The Original Shareware 1.1/The Original Shareware (WeMake CDs)(Volume 1.1)(CDs, Inc)(1993).iso/4/slicbbs5.exe/lha/ASCII.COM/JOKES.TXT

Text File | 1989-10-31 | 9KB | 149 lines

<RJ> Life is hard by the yard but a cinch by the inch; Omars Philosophy
<RJ> Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
<RJ> Any given computer program, when running, is already obsolete.
<RJ> Its so slow, the folks who don't intend to pay arn't shopping.
<RJ> When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
<RJ> If a computer program is useless, it will have to be documented.
<RJ> Checks are in the mail: Computers Down: We were Infected by a virus:
<RJ> Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
<RJ> If a computer program is useful, it will have to be changed.
<RJ> Yes, I'm doing fine, (only because I'm doing everybody I can).
<RJ> A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
<RJ> The effect of advice is to allow I told you so's.
<RJ> After all is said and done, usually more is said then done.
<RJ> A computer expert has a great reason for guessing wrong
<RJ> A computer authority knows lots of things you don't care about
<RJ> Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
<RJ> Confession is good for the soul but bad for your carrier.....
<RJ> Do it today, tommorrow it will either be bad for your health or illegal
<RJ> Doing nothing makes you very tired because you can't take a break
<RJ> Don't be sad about growing old, after all some aren't that lucky
<RJ> Don't let your love life interfear with having good sex........
<RJ> Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating ?
<RJ> A smart man stops to think and showoff forgets to start again...
<RJ> Every Computer Programmer has a scheme that absolutely won't work
<RJ> Everyone is entitled to my opinion but you had to ask anyway.
<RJ> Computers always go on sale ......... right after you buy one...
<RJ> If everything is going good, you must have surely overlooked something
<RJ> Computer expert - knows tomorrow why today's program failed
<RJ> Most programmers with closed minds often have open mouths.
<RJ> God gave us relatives, but let us choose our own friends.
<RJ> Good code is the health of the programmer, Bugs the poison ....
<RJ> Great programmers discuss ideas; poor ones, people...........
<RJ> The hacker who knows all the answers never gets asked the questions
<RJ> Those who laughs last are probably your boss, wife, IRS & undertaker
<RJ> How can you avoid hurting someones feelings without being a liar?
<RJ> Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem
<RJ> If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down
<RJ> If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice
<RJ> If you see an onion ring........ better answer it.........
<RJ> When using or buying interchangeable parts ............... don't
<RJ> It's easy to suggest the solution when you don't know the problem
<RJ> Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you ever have to eat them
<RJ> Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess
<RJ> Minds are like parachutes..they only work when they're open
<RJ> Money is like a promise, easier made then kept
<RJ> Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
<RJ> No one can get ahead of you when they're kicking you in the rear
<RJ> Nothing improves your verasity like ..................witnesses
<RJ> Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake
<RJ> If you put your nose to the grindstone you will be a bloody fool
<RJ> Say nothing & they think your stupid..talk & they know for sure
<RJ> Most programmers are educated beyond their intelligence
<RJ> Some people will believe anything......... if you whisper it
<RJ> Success has a thousand fathers, but failure is often an orphan
<RJ> The greatest programming - doing what they said couldn't be done
<RJ> The difference between ideas and results is a good manager
<RJ> There's no fool like an old fool, 'cause he's experienced
<RJ> Thinking is wise, planning is better, doing is best
<RJ> Three can keep a secret, .........if two are dead and one is dumb
<RJ> Any bank will give you a loan as soon as you prove you don't need it
<RJ> To error is human, to blame it on someone else is more human
<RJ> What we learn from history is that we don't learn from history
<RJ> When all is said and done .....usually more will be said then done
<RJ> When money is talking there are usually very few interruptions
<RJ> When it comes to giving, most people will stop at nothing
<RJ> When talking nonsense ............try not to be too serious
<RJ> Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
<RJ> Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
<RJ> Why does the line you are not in always move much faster?
<RJ> Family financial axiom :Expenses will always rise to meet income.
<RJ> Wisdom is knowing what to do .......with what you already know
<RJ> You can lead a horse to water, and if he walks on it patent him
<RJ> Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
<RJ> GIVE:  Support the helpless victims of computer error.
<RJ> Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
<RJ> Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
<RJ> Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
<RJ> Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
<RJ> The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
<RJ> To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
<RJ> Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
<RJ> We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
<RJ> Call out the vice squad!  Someone's mounting a disk drive!
<RJ> He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
<RJ> He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
<RJ> Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
<RJ> Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
<RJ> Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
<RJ> COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
<RJ> Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
<RJ> Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
<RJ> When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
<RJ> For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
<RJ> We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
<RJ> Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
<RJ> White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
<RJ> Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
<RJ> A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
<RJ> We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
<RJ> Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
<RJ> Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
<RJ> Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
<RJ> No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
<RJ> Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
<RJ> If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
<RJ> COBOL- Confused Oriental Bean-cOunting Language.
<RJ> FORTRAN- Formless Translations.
<RJ> BASIC- Beginner's All-purpose Sloppy Instruction Code.
<RJ> Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
<RJ> Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output
<RJ> Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
<RJ> Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.
<RJ> External Storage - A wastebasket.
<RJ> Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.
<RJ> Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".
<RJ> Address     - Type of attire worn by some female programmers.
<RJ> Algol       - The husband of Polygol, their missing daughter is Polygon.
<RJ> Altair      - A place where computers are sacrificed.
<RJ> Array       - A blast from a CRT.
<RJ> Backup      - Opposite of forward.
<RJ> Branch      - A stick used for beating.
<RJ> Buffer      - A programmer who works in the nude.
<RJ> Coding      - An addictive drug.
<RJ> Computer- A device designed to speed and automate errors.
<RJ> Cp/m        - Program listing for 'Look in the evening section'.
<RJ> Cpu - C3po's mother.
<RJ> Dip - Inventor of a famous switch.
<RJ> Disk Drive - A motor for a frisbee.
<RJ> Duplex      - Having two apartments.
<RJ> Forth       - One of the top five computer languages.
<RJ> GiGo        - Garbage in garbage out.
<RJ> Ibm - Computer company: "Itty-Bitty Machines" Corporation.
<RJ> IBM - Corporate motto: "I've been moved."
<RJ> IC  - Understanding as in 'Oh, IC'.
<RJ> Initialize - Carving your initials on a floppy disk.
<RJ> Iterate- A healthy illiterate.
<RJ> Joystick- A peripheral intended for use only by consenting adults.
<RJ> Keyboard- a keyboard is used for entering errors into the computer.
<RJ> Kilo - What you could have had if you hadn't bought the computer.
<RJ> Language- A system of organizing and defining syntax errors.
<RJ> Math Chip- A piece of a broken abacus.
<RJ> Megabyte- A nine course dinner.
<RJ> Memory Map - A sheet of paper showing location of computer store.
<RJ> Mhz- Acronym for 'Megahurtz', meaning 'a million pains'.
<RJ> Microfiche - Sardines.
<RJ> Nanosecond - Mork's stunt man.
<RJ> Newdos - Acronym for 'Not Exactly What The Dealer Offers To sell you.
<RJ> Password- The nonsense word taped to the CRT.